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I was asked by David’s fball coach to transfer some VHS stuff to DVD.. well my old dual deck wasn’t working so trying to figure this problem out – without buying any equip, I realized if I played the tapes on our flat screen and re-recorded it on my HDD camcorder- it worked.
then it got me to thinking- recently I had found the VCR tape our our Holy Union from 10/12/91 knowing the tape will degrade soon – I needed to do the same. So I have and having to sit through a couple of taping sessions.. I dug out what I thought was the lost text of our holy union – but alas I found it.
Some of it stuck out – that it was then that Pastor Magill of Tacoma MCC – set the path for us both to be activist – in his remarks:
“I believe that others will look to both of you as role models. They will learn, by watching you, how two women live together, love together, and worship God together. Your life will be a witness of God’s unconditional love. Let not the church, society, or an individual come between your love. I urge you both NOT to pattern your lives after what others might expect, but after what you expect from one another.”
He went on two describe us from the prior 5 months of couples counseling:
“Lisa and Jan, you have described yourself in some ways as opposites. Lisa as pastel – quiet and soft, flowers and teddy bears. Jan as bold, plaid, flannel. I remind you both that love is patient and kind. Allow each other to express their individuality – to bring something new and unique into the relationship. Be patient and king when you don’t always see eye to eye… In other ways you two are very similar – some goals and dreams, spiritual begins with a love for God and the church. Remember that love never fails; it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. With this love, I trust that your relationship will never fail. But now abide faith, hope, love these three; but the greatest of these is love.”
His words are so prophetic at this point in my life. I hope to figure out how to post our Holy Union video.. so check back on this post. You will see my brother Gary with more hair than he has now, my oldest sister Marilyn who was sang “If” – personalized for us. We pulled off this ceremony after I had only been working for the State for 3 weeks – had to take Leave w/out pay because I had worked long enough to take time off – and we had it planned for 5 months. You will also see me in a skirt – one of the last occurrences – what I wouldn’t do for Lisa. All on only $300 – most going to the rental of the Pt. Defiance Lodge in Tacoma.
Kelly Ziegler is my “best” man and Cyndi (Heap) Sams was Lisa’s. Our favorite UPS professor Cathy Hale was there along with our good friends Sarah Kobernusz and Monte Gibbs. Cyndi’s husband Eric Sams. Our good friend Tracy Weeks who video recorded and took pictures.
And finally as I work to hopefully get the video up, we chose rings to wear. Lisa’s – I designed myself going to a jeweler Larkin’s in Tacoma, behind her back and had it made with her favorite stone – amethest and 2 diamonds. Lisa never took her ring off – it was taken off her paralyzed hand on the ship on that fateful day and I slipped it onto my right hand were it stays to this day.
We pledge:
I Janice Kay Langbehn, take you Lisa Marie Pond
to be my spouse,
And I promise
that in joy and sorrow
good times and bad
I will love and cherish you
throughout all the changes in our lives.
I place this ring on your finger as a sign of my everlasting love and commitment to you.
what an amazing Saturday that was and remains in my memory as one of the happiest days of my life. It all came full circle as I had 1 Corinthians 13 read at Lisa Funeral and Memorial. As well as “If” played during the video tributes. After all the years, I look back on our $300 ceremony and likely there is not a thing we would have changed from the guests, to our best “persons”, to the songs (and of course the beautiful voice of my sister). I hope you enjoy it..know that the noise and kids yelling in the background is from the ceremony being held at the Tacoma Park/Zoo.
peace
(the video may seem long but I broke it up into 5 min chunks.. so it would upload quicker)
Part One:
Part Two
Part Three – “If”
Part Four
Part Five
Her Sirius show starts on Monday Nov 2
today on Howard Stern, she says she and Kel have split – they will remain a family, parenting the kids
but joked w/ howard about dating in maybe 6 months and her criteria for the new person
you read her blog and people say she is the pillar of “gay” marriage
truthfully no one is – any partnership gay or straight – it takes work
I don’t think they were any different. I am sure Brad/Angelina or Ellen/ Portia – all work at their commitment
as did Lisa and I in ours – marriage – committed relationships are hard work – anyone who tells you otherwise is lying
As for Rosie/Kelli – I called it back in May that something was a miss – no Rosie on the July Cruise, the formation of Kelli and Gregg or Gregg and Kelli Company
But for me it’s none of my business – for the sake of them and their children – I hope they come out on the other end better than when they entered
I wrote a paper as a freshman in UPS so fall 86 – and remember commenting on what a voyeristic society I think we were becoming – well before the Paparazzi was sung about by Lady Gaga or that they were likely responsible for the death of Princess Diana – or that we want to know everything about Jon and Kate or Octomom or whether Oprah is gay. I summized back in 86, that if we can stare and compare ourselves to others we can rationalize our place in society – that well we are doing better than so and so. Or course you are – Life is a bell curve – we all move up and down each day.
I think if we, myself included, had to step back and look at ourselves- every moment of every day, our own behavior and answer to it all – what a daunting task for anyone no matter your status in life.
peace
nothing seems to go slowly or sometimes too slowly
nonetheless – the weekend is over
Katie had a soccer game on Saturday against a great team that beat them 5-2, the first time, they tied 2-2 the second and this time K’s team pulled out the victory 1-0
David was in the semi finals – he played hard, got some great tackles but they ended up losing 18-8. He will go on to play for 3 or 4th in their age division next week.
Katie has her first orchestra concert monday – so today was spent trying to find her outfit – that was accomplished and then
we did power grocery shopping – or better called – mom can’t stand more than 30 minutes so lets do this – We play it like this – we get the list done before getting there, then we divide it in 4 parts. everyone gets a cart and off we go.. then we all meet at the center of the store – make sure we have it all and head for checkout – anyone with more than 1 in a family is welcome to play – I suggest minimum age is 10 – and able to read or recognize brands is helpful
David and I treated ourselves to manilla clams tonight- yum.
now we head into the last week of football, last week of volleyball, last week of Danielle’s soccer – oh boy
Then we wake for the next wave to hit of David in Bball, Katie Bball and still select soccer, and D trying out for bball
this week is school conferences .. so will do that at the end of the week.
Tues, I am scheduled to do an hour long podcast and maybe some news on some activities I’ll be doing to continue in the fight for how we were treated at JMH
on we go
peace
I keep getting 10+ emails or blog replies a day of should the “ordinary” person do to change things.
Here are where I would suggest you put your your fingers to work on the keyboard or telephone.
1. the NASW – National Association of Social Workers – they are suppose to oversee the Code of Ethics for all social workers (and I am one) I can think of many tenets mr. Garnett Frederick broke beyond telling me I was in an anti-gay city and state. our family NEVER saw him after the brief 5 min exchange. When I ran traumas, I held the family’s hand, I would find them a quiet room, I helped them with the beginning stages of grieving. In other words – you treat them like you would want to be treated in crisis with care, dignity and respect. The children and I got NONE of that. So call NASW based in DC and get their ethics committee working on him. Dr. Frederick has a PhD in SW – so he knows better. Now the NASW may say there isn’t much they can do if he doesn’t pay dues – well then that needs to change – who is responsible for his behavior and adhering to the code we all pledged to uphold when we became social workers.
2. The Jt. Commission on Hospital Accreditation – They oversee all the item we listed in our lawsuit – that the judge agreed – were violated but they aren’t law – so the hospital needs to be investigated for how they handled our family.
3. The hospital itself – Jackson Memorial Hospital is apart of the University of Miami – large teaching hospital. I filed an online complaint again Mr. Frederick about 2 weeks after Lisa’s death – and I have so many people who can step forward and confirm he said that to me.. it’s not something I came up with 2 weeks later – I said it within 1 minute after he said to me to our close family friends when I was crying for them to get the documents faxed to the hospital of. He continues to deny he said it. The hospital lost my complaint for 4 months and to this day over 2.5yrs later they NEVER resolved my complaint! They then never sent me Lisa’s medical records – When I finally did get them months later – they also gave them to her parents – who were not her surrogate and had no right to them (that is not an issue between my in-laws and me) but it’s a matter of courtesy that I couldn’t get her records, still can’t get her death certificate from the state of Florida that lists manner and cause – I have to go through the 1st funeral home where we did her Funeral Mass. There was a huge breakdown at JMH – I filed the complaint, I told LAORA – (Life Alliance Organ Recovery Agency) about what Mr Frederick said to me – I told it to the nurse that took over the procument of Lisa’s organs – Maggie – LAORA was the ONLY agency that allowed me to sign one piece of paper allowing which organs Lisa would donate to save lives… the rest of lisa’s file is stamped – “unable to complete” – yet I was there at the exact same time as her ambulance – asking to fill out admission forms.
4. Contact the GLMA – Gay/Lesbian Medical Association – they have made our situation a priority and even started the facebook group “Committee for Fair Visitation at JMH”.
While my federal case has halted, I know I had the best legal minds on our side – Beth Littrell – from the amazing people of Lambda Legal and Don Hayden from Baker/McKenzie (he is based in Miami). Please send them thank yous for their wisdom in taking our case.
Finally – I am trying to figure out how I go from plaintiff to activist… and if the laws in Florida don’t support me holding Lisa’s hand – except during the Last Rites which I asked for them to find me a priest – then something has to change. The Laws must change – so I have my map up here at home of Florida State, and all their local reps/senators are listed. And I will be writing to them on Feb 19th (lisa’s death date) and 10/08 (her birth date) every year – to remind them how inhumanly we were treated… the judge agreed – and I still have never received an apology.
Ok so you caught me in a fired up mood – I was just dubbing Lisa and my Holy union from 1991 from VHS to DVD so it’s not lost forever. I will try to find the links for all the agencies and put a new header to the Left for “what you can do”.
Thank you all beyond words for your continued support. I any of you have contacts in mainstream media outlets – send them my story – I believed if more people knew that Lisa was allowed to die allow – then I would hope this could never happen again.
peace always
look for the new links tomorrow – or google them now. Thanks you all for your continuing support
by Beth Maclvor Martinelli (according to a FB post.. if that was incorrect in giving Beth credit, I would be happy to change this)
1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control.
2. Marriage is valuable because it produces children, which is why we deny marriage rights to infertile couples and old people.
3. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
4. Straight marriage, such as Britney Spears’ 55-hour escapade, will be less meaningful if gay marriage is allowed.
5. Marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all: women are property, matches are arranged in childhood, blacks can’t marry whites, Catholics can’t marry Jews, divorce is illegal, and adultery is punishable by death.
6. Gay marriage should be decided by people, not the courts, because majority-elected legislatures have historically protected the rights of minorities.
7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
8. There is no separation between religious marriage and legal marriage, because there is no separation of church and state.
9. Devout, faithful Anglicans should never accept same-sex marriage, because it is an affront to the traditional family values upheld by Henry VIII and his wife, Catherine of Aragon, and his wife, Anne Boleyn, and his wife, Jane Seymour, and his wife, Anne of Cleves, and his wife, Catherine Howard, and his wife, Catherine Parr. They all knew the meaning of marriage and none of them lost their heads over the matter.
10. Married gay people will encourage others to be gay, in a way that unmarried gay people do not.
11. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because dogs have legal standing and can sign marriage contracts.
12. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to legislative change in general, which could possibly include the legalization of polygamy and incest. Because we don’t know what comes next, we should never change our laws.
13. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children.
14. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to things like suburban malls and tupperware parties.
15. Legal marriage will inspire gays to mimic the straight traditions of spiritual commitment ceremonies and celebratory parties, which is currently impermissible for them to do and which they have never done before.
16. Marriage is designed to protect the well-being of children. Gay people do not need marriage because they never have children from prior relationships, artificial insemination or surrogacy, or adoption.
17. Civil unions are a good option because “separate but equal” institutions are always constitutional. In fact, compared with marriage, civil unions are so attractive that straight people are calling dibs on them.
18. A man should not be able to marry whomever a woman can marry, and a woman should not be able to marry whomever a man can marry, because in this country we do not believe in gender equality.
19. If gays marry, some of straight people’s tax dollars would end up going to families whose structure they may find morally objectionable. Clearly, it is more just to continue taking gay people’s tax dollars to support straight families, who are going to heaven regardless of what anyone else thinks of them.
20. Gays should hold off on the marriage question until society is more accepting of them, because they are not part of society.
21. The people’s voice must be heard on this issue. Therefore, we must have a referendum on a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage, because we can’t think of any other way to discuss the issue.
22. Each state should decide for itself whether gay marriage will be recognized, because there is no “full faith and credit” clause that requires states to recognize each other’s institutions.
23. Gay marriage attempts to replace natural heterosexual instinct with a cultural institution. Morality demands that we subordinate institutionalized commitment to raw, unfettered, biological impulse.
24. Gay marriages could very well suffer maladies like domestic violence and substance abuse. That’s why we invented the Quality Control department to pre-approve the righteousness of all marriage applicants, such as convicted serial killer Richard Ramirez who married a woman while on Death Row.
25. Those who support gay marriage aim to overthrow the dominant culture, as evidenced by their enthusiasm to participate in it.
26. The country can’t afford to provide benefits for married gay couples. That’s why Bush would never consider spending $150 million on programs that encourage more straight people to get married.
27. Gay couples do not deserve marriage because, if everyone on earth limited themselves to same-sex sexual behavior, humanity would soon be extinct. Based on the same concern, we also deny marriage rights to the biologically childless and to those who have borne only one child. (We are also considering denying marriage rights to those who have borne three or more children, because if everyone copied them, the world population would shoot through the roof.)
28. Marriage was created in the Bible as a bond between a man and a woman. The people who lived prior to the writing of the Bible, such as the Chinese, sat around in confusion for many years until the Mesopotamians finally came around and invented the family unit.
Gma/Papa arrived on Thursday to a full schedule – Katie soccer practice, Danielle Soccer game and David football practice
Friday was a little slower- kids to school – David was off from Waldorf
Had the buckley/martin’s over for dinner – great food, great company on friday night
Saturday – the mad dash to do it all Gma took the girls shopping – David no interest (as usual he is not into shopping – a pair of levis and an orange shirt is good for him)
Then Katie had a soccer game and David had the first round of fball playoffs.
Katie lost 1-0, bummer. David won in his game 14-6 in a horrible downpour.. I haven’t seen it rain that hard here in a LONG time
Sunday – Danielle went to Mass with Gma/Papa and then down to the farmers market they went with the kids
Michael was suppose to be down for pumpkin patch at 1:30- didn’t arrive till after 3 – shorten our time to about 10 mins with him there – the other kids ran the corn maze while waiting
off to Farrelli’s pizza with the whole family and then Michael and his staff had to get back home
Gma/Papa left just a little after that – they have the first flight out tomorrow back to cold Connecticut
Helped Katie study for her social studies test – differences in Sunni and Shiites and Islam in general. It’s the only subject she is have a little trouble with.
And we are back at it tomorrow with 3 kids – technically 4 schools (b/c Katie has to play volleyball at our home MS – her performing arts school doesn’t have sports) Danielle soccer,
David film night for football (their center who had broke his wrist on second day of practice) fractured his arm in the game – bad, poor Dylan had 3 breaks in 2 years – and he is a tough kid
So that is the sum total of our weekend. Good visit with the in-laws – g’ma/gpa.
Looking forward to the podcast on 10/27 – will repost how to log on so you can hear it if you like
Something is up with my back again, hurting like it did pre-surgery – see the doc on Thursday – hopefully it’s just sore muscles
still figuring out how to navigate the new waters between plaintiff to activist. Fortunately have an wonderful role model in Charlene Strong
and continue to be beyond grateful for Lambda Legal – Beth and Don were the best council I could have hoped for
David looks like he will get to Page for our local Rep (Brendan Williams) during the State leg session – for his Waldorf 8th grade project – very exciting.
It’s late, kids are all asleep already – the rains have returned and it is getting dark earlier and earlier now.
have a great week all – catch you on fb or here
peace
10.18.09
(left to right – Michael, David, Danielle, Katie)
Imagine having only five minutes to say goodbye to your dying husband or wife of nearly two decades. Imagine being a 10-year-old girl and being physically blocked from saying a last, “I love you,” to your mother, who is just down the hall at the hospital. This may sound unconscionable, but it happened, just as described, to the Langbehn-Pond family at Jackson Memorial Hospital in Miami.
As reported in The Miami Herald by Steve Rothaus, the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of Florida dismissed the lawsuit filed against Jackson Memorial Hospital by the family. As a society, we should not dismiss it. Their story is about the fragility of human rights. It underscores how vulnerable and unprotected gay people are in society.
Lisa Marie Pond and Janice Langbehn were together for 18 years, the majority of their adult lives. They were two moms raising four children. They were a loving family.
In honor of their anniversary, Janice surprised her family with a cruise. On Feb. 18, 2007 they boarded the Norwegian Jewel in the Port of Miami. Shortly after boarding, Lisa, a healthy 39-year-old, suffered a brain aneurysm and had to be rushed to a local hospital.
The admitting clerk and a hospital social worker refused to let Janice and the children see Lisa. Janice has stated that a hospital social worker told her “that she should not expect to be provided information or access because she was in an anti-gay city and state.”
Doctors at the hospital told Janice that there was no medical reason why she could not be with Lisa. For eight grueling hours, she was repeatedly denied details and visitation. There should have been no doubt that Janice was Lisa’s family, and the hospital had the legal documents with Lisa’s directives.
Lisa was allegedly semi-conscious and responsive at the time of her arrival at Jackson and for several hours afterward. She had to be put in restraints because she did not have a family member with her. When a priest arrived to administer Lisa’s last rites, Janice was allowed to spend five minutes holding her partner’s hand.
This is a heartbreaking and inhumane story that highlights the need for tolerance and understanding over prejudice and discrimination. As a mother, a partner and a social worker, I feel deeply affected by this case particularly because the events mirror my own experiences. Coincidently, I was on that cruise with my family. It was an RFamily cruise sponsored by Rosie and Kelly O’Donnell to celebrate gay families.
Ten years ago, my life partner had a similar head trauma when we were on a family ski vacation in Colorado. She fell while snowboarding and suffered a subdural hemorrhage, the same head trauma that killed actress Natasha Richardson. The emergency-room nurse let me in without hesitation. It never crossed my mind that I might be denied access to my partner because we were gay. I was able to hold her hand as she asked me to make sure our nine-month-old son would be OK.
My partner survived. I am so sorry Lisa did not. I am horrified by what her partner and their children had to endure. She and her family will be forever in my thoughts and prayers.
Unable to make any progress with the inhumane gatekeepers at Jackson the night Lisa lay dying alone, Janice described going outside and screaming into the Miami night. I look out at that same night sky now and think of Janice.
These are Janice’s own words from a speech she gave last year in California: “No one should have been able to deny our children and [me] the ability to say goodbye to Lisa and let her know — if only be holding her hand — that she was so loved. That should not be a privilege in our country but a basic human right of every family regardless of how they define themselves.”
Joanna Grover lives in Miami.
Plaintiff to Activist – I’m trying to take hold of history and continue my work to speak out on gay/human rights. Podcast on 10/27/09 at 6:30 ET/3:30 PT. Please tune in to my chat with Barb and Donna.
Barb and Donna interview Janice Langbehn on the Lisa Pond Story
Shared via AddThis
this past monday I was invited to speak at SU Law school by Jason Lantz. A wonderful bright young man from Kansas that had heard my story and wanted me to speak during the Law and Justice week. Below – as I traditionally do – is my speech. It was probably the most difficult to give – since the negative ruling in our case but I knew I needed to do it. More than anything I hope I changed some hearts and minds of those young law students to realize what can happen in our own country when 2 people just want to love one another. Again thank you to Jason for inviting me and thanks to Judi O’Kelley from Lambda for helping and supporting me while I spoke.
peace
Good Afternoon, I am Janice Langbehn. Thank you for inviting me to speak to you during your Law and Justice week. In trying to prepare for today’s speech and express to you how family equality is essential I am saddened to think the only reason I am speaking today because my partner died.
Some of you may have heard our story. On October 12, 2006 – 3 yrs ago today, Lisa and I were celebrating our 15th Holy Union anniversary and nearly 18yrs together as a couple. As a surprise for Lisa and the kids, I bought a cruise with Rfamily (Rosie O’Donnell) to celebrate.
In February 2007, my partner, Lisa Pond, and I arrived in Miami, Florida with three of our adopted children to realize a family dream – a weeklong vacation on RFamily Cruises. As we boarded the Norwegian Jewel, Kelli O’Donnell greeted us and had our picture taken. None of us realized it would be one of our last family photographs. We also did not anticipate the unimaginable homophobia and inhumane treatment we would be faced with just a few hours later. While I unpacked in our cabin, Lisa, my partner of 18 years took our kids Danielle, David and Katie up to the top deck to play basketball. Just a short time later the kids were banging on the stateroom door saying, “Mommy was hurt!” I opened the door, and took one look at Lisa and knew the situation was very serious. As a medical social worker for many years, I have seen people in critical condition. I knew that my life partner was gravely ill. As the ship was about to leave, we had no choice but to seek medical help in an unfamiliar city. After local medics arrived, we hurried off the ship to the closest hospital in Miami, Ryder Trauma Center at Jackson Memorial Hospital. The kids and I, hauling a week’s worth of luggage for five, arrived just before the ambulance carrying Lisa. I tried to follow the gurney into the trauma bay but was stopped by the trauma team meeting Lisa and told to go to the waiting area. I did as I was told and a short while later a social worker appeared to inform me that I was – and I quote – “in an anti-gay city and state.” He explained that this meant that I would not be allowed to see Lisa or make decisions about her care without a Health Care Proxy. I asked for his name and fax number and within 20 minutes I had contacted close friends in Olympia, WA who raced to our house, found all our legal documents including our Durable Power of Attorney, Living Wills and Advance Directives and fax them to the hospital. I never imagined as I paced that tiny waiting room that I would not see Lisa’s bright blue eyes again or hold her warm, loving hands.
Feeling helpless as I continued to wait, I attempted to sneak back into the trauma bay but all the doors to the trauma area had key codes, preventing me from entering. Sitting alone with our luggage, our children and my thoughts, I watched numbly as other families were invited back into the trauma center to visit with their loved ones. I was still waiting to hear what was happening with Lisa, realizing as the time passed that I was not being allowed to see her and if the social worker’s words were any indication it was because we were gay. Anger, despair and disbelief wracked my brain as I tried to figure out a way to find out what was going on with Lisa. I finally thought to call our family doctor back in Olympia to see if she could find out what was happening. While on the phone with our doctor in Olympia, a surgeon appeared. The surgeon told me that Lisa, who was just 39 years old, had suffered massive bleeding in her brain from an aneurysm. The surgeon asked me for consent to place a pressure monitor in her brain. It was only then, hours after the documents had been faxed, that I knew that they had been received by the hospital. A short while later, two more surgeons appeared and explained the massive bleed in Lisa’s brain gave her little chance to survive and if she did it would be in a persistent vegetative state. Lisa had made me promise to her over and over in our 18 years together to never allow this to happen to her. I let the surgeons know Lisa wishes, which were also spelled out in her Living Wills and Advance Directive. I was promised by the doctors that I would be brought to see Lisa. Yet I was still waiting when a hospital chaplain appeared. I politely requested a Catholic Priest be brought in to administer Lisa’s Last Rites. The chaplain offered to pray with me, and I remember staring at her wondering – what did she think I had been doing for the last several hours but praying? The true tragedy really came over the next five hours. With the priest, I recited the ritual of the Last Rites and prayed for Lisa and held her hand for the first time since she arrived at Ryder Trauma Center. Following my few minutes with Lisa, the priest ushered me out to the waiting room again. After finally seeing Lisa, I knew our children and I needed to be with her and I asked over and over if we could go back again and was repeatedly told by hospital staff, “No”. In those five hours, Lisa lay at Ryder Trauma Center moving toward brain death and yet no one was there to hold her hand and talk to her and tell her how much she was loved. Jackson Memorial Hospital, in their inability or unwillingness to recognize us as a family with legally adopted children, forced Lisa to be alone in her last moments of life. I used every tactic I could think of to be with her, to bring our children to her yet five hours after they stopped life-saving measures we still sat in that small waiting room. I showed hospital staff our children’s birth certificates with Lisa’s name on them and was told they were “too young to visit”. I thought to myself “how old do you need to be to say goodbye to your mother”? In those hours of waiting and trying to calm our children, explaining to them that their “other” mom was dying and would go to Heaven, I felt like a failure. It wasn’t until Lisa was officially declared brain dead on Monday February 19, 2007 at 10:45am and individuals from the Organ Donation Agency became involved did I finally feel validated as a spouse and partner. They talked directly with me and allowed me to choose which organs would be donated and allowed me to sign all the consent forms. From her death – she saved 4 lives through organ donation, and the children and I were so fortunate to meet Jerry, the man with Lisa heart with the help of Lambda Legal.
It is only now, two and half years after Lisa’s death that I can gain more perspective and with that insight has come anger and disbelief at how we were treated. Lisa and I were together 18 years, had become foster parents for the State of Washington when we were just 23 and 24 years old. We fostered 25 children and adopted 4 special needs children from WA State foster care. Lisa was a “stay-at-home mom” and very involved in our children’s lives from teaching all our children’s first communion classes to volunteering at their schools, sitting on the PTSA for 2 years and serving as our daughters’ Girl Scout leader for 8 years. Her troop was so popular it swelled to 26 girls at one point. Lisa was a saint on this earth.
Truly until February 18, 2007, I cannot think of many times we felt out of place as a gay household. However, I now believe that any family – however they may define themselves – has the human right to be together is at the time of death. Yet, in our situation not only were we not validated as family we were actually shunned. All because, as the social worker made very clear, I was in an anti-gay state. It was through this helplessness and my pleas for an apology for 6 months fell on deaf ears at Jackson Memorial that I turned to Lambda Legal for advice. Making the call to LAMBDA legal was a life changing experience for the children and Without Lambda legal, our story may have been only a one-time headline and likely little would have changed. It was through their wisdom and determination that we filed a lawsuit in Florida South District Federal court in June 2008. Already, my own health plan here in WA state – Group Health Cooperative, has written a letter to our family saying they reviewed all their internal policies to make sure that what happened to our family in Miami would never happen in a Group Health Facility to another family.
My hope for bringing the suit against JMH was to shed light on how LGBT families are treated even with the proper paperwork, that we often are second-class citizens. I have tried since Lisa’s death to raise awareness that holding your loved one’s hand as they are dying is not a “gay” right but rather a basic human right. Jackson Memorial stole that time from Lisa, our children and me. I speak out for family equality and basic human rights. I believe with all my heart, that at the hour of Lisa’s death, no one should have been able to deny our children and myself the ability to say goodbye to Lisa and let her know – if only be holding her hand – that she was so loved. That should not be a privilege in our country but a basic human right of every family regardless of how they define themselves.
Last week, our family was dealt a huge blow when Judge Jordan sided with the hospital and dismissed our lawsuit. It has stunned me and left me to question if I have done the right thing by speaking out about the horrible treatment we received. After consulting with the amazing team of attorneys on our case, it was decided that we will not appeal to the 11th circuit court given it’s extremely narrow views and the fear of negative precedent that court may set.
In Judge Jordan’s opinion he did say the following
“If the plaintiffs’ allegations are true, which I assume that they are when deciding the defendants’ motion to dismiss, the defendants’ lack of sensitivity and attention to Ms.Langbehn, Ms. Pond, and their children caused them needless distress during a time of vulnerability. The defendants’ failure to provide Ms. Langbehn and her children frequent updates on Ms. Pond’sstatus, to allow Ms. Langbehn and her children to visit Ms. Pond after emergency medical careceased; to inform Ms. Langbehn that Ms. Pond had been transferred to the intensive care unit, and to provide Ms. Langbehn Ms. Pond’s medical records as she requested, exhibited a lack of compassion and was unbecoming of a renowned trauma center like Ryder. Unfortunately, no relief is available for these failures based on the allegations plead in the amended complaint.”
If you remember nothing else from today, I hope you have come to understand that even with legal paperwork it is a reality that someone can leave this earth completely alone even though their loved ones are just 20 feet away. No family should have endured what we did that night in Miami at Jackson Memorial Hospital. It was wrong, insensitive and a defining moment for my family that can never be replaced or forgiven. And the justice we sought through our country’s legal system has failed our family.
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