My sister’s response
Spokesman-Review
4/25/10 Editorial letter
I read with interest your editorial on April 20 regarding President Obama’s recent memorandum redefining “family” as it pertains to medical care. I was especially interested when I discovered that the editorial talked at some length about my sister, Janice Langbehn, and her role in shaping the president’s thinking on the issue.
What you may not know, and therefore couldn’t include in your editorial, is that Janice is not only a Washingtonian, she was born and raised in Spokane and is a 1986 graduate of Lewis and Clark High School. I’m sure your readers would have found that personal link to Janice’s hometown not only interesting but in some measure empowering: the realization that indeed, the persistent, dedicated actions of an individual can have the power to affect a larger social issue in this country.
I am beyond proud of my sister and her determination to turn this personal tragedy into a triumph for human rights, and I thank the editorial staff of The Spokesman-Review for bringing the story home to its readers.
Marilyn Langbehn
Oakland, Calif.
Yearbook 1986 and gum
One of the kids asked to look at some yearbooks. I found my senior year at LC handy (the others are buried under reams of paper). Looked at the pictures of me with the football team. No despite what you may be thinking I was not “out” in HS. There I am as the only girl with 50 guys – I was the athletic trainer. Loved that experience. Then the senior quotes. Many are inside jokes that I still don’t get. And mine – publicizing my pet peeve – something I still to this day shutter at the thought and leave the room if I hear it. GUM CHEWING AND POPPING. I have no idea what in my DNA makes me hate it. If someone can’t chew it with their mouth closed so I have to hear the dusgusting sound of it smacking around as well their little and big pops of the air bubbles makes me scream. I did my part and tried hypnosis as an adult to get over it – I am so hypervigelent – that I can hear it in a movie theatre when the movie is blaring or someone 4 isles over in the grocery store. If it is bad enough, and I’m irratated enough I will glare at the person if I don’t know them – they usually have no clue why I am doing that, so I end up needing to leave. Family and children – I tell them to stop. Lisa would come in the house and take out her gum and our children I can happily report chew with their mouths closed when it comes to food, gum etc. And they never pop it around me.
The kids after seeing this in my yearbook – it was a very old pet peeve – that they would not change or outlast. When they have their own place and I’m not visiting will know – “mom’s coming, spit out the gum”. And if you come to my house to visit, don’t be surprised if I leave dinner early if you can’t keep your mouth closed or need to make that horrible sound pushing air through your teeth to clean them afterwards. Shut the mouth, brush your teeth, don’t share with me.
I feel better – now my secret is out – beyond those at LC.
peace
so true
as I have said since I have received emails past few in the beginning, I said emails between Rosie O’donnell and myself would stay private – unless it was also in her blog.
I wrote to her on Friday, here is her response. Thanks Ro
from the AskRo reponses on 4/19/10
jan Writes:
hey ro, did you hear POTUS called?
yes
lisa has a legacy
amen
Media Recap
This was the first TV interview just 3 hours after speaking with the president and while I fumbled for the words.. It is true that I believe it is not a Gay right but a Human right to decide who should be with you at the moment of death and what I had wanted to articulate but didn’t – was that no laws, or policies should define that for individuals. Say blood relations was not a good way of putting it and not how I have discussed this in the past. I am sorry if that hurt other families out there – that was not my intention – please remember I am a reluctant activist – and learning my way and still learning how to articulate myself quickly and clearly.
As I find the links to other videos I will post them.
POTUS
Well it is no joke from the days of the West Wing that if POTUS calls, you take it. Fortunately today I had a small window of a heads up from Lambda Legal – those people who have been in this fight for dignity since nearly the beginning.
And sure enough at 4:32 Pacific time, my cell rings, it says unknown – I was briefed to expect that – b/c what does the phone from Air Force 1 actually come up as? A gentleman introduced himself and asked if I had time to speak with the President. This is where I had been coached to not assume it was a crank call or a telemarketer. And sure enough the next voice I heard was the President himself. Humility surrounds me and the next 3 minutes of my life. For the past 3 years I have been speaking at large and small events – posting here on the blog and have been saying over and over – that holding someone’s hand as they die is NOT a GAY right it’s a HUMAN right – and today – President Barack Obama agreed with me. He knew Lisa’s name, and he knew our story and offered the long awaited apology – that Jackson Memorial STILL refuses to give – why is that? – the President could.
In those short minutes of speaking with our President, it was clear he got the issue, and now in reading his memorandum, he understood what happened to Lisa, the kids and I was wrong on many level - especially on the HUMAN level. None of this brings Lisa back. But what it does do – for the next gay couple – is that hopefully if your partner is dying you wont be locked behind a door for 8hours as they slip from this earth and not be allowed to say goodbye.
Thank you to Lambda Legal for so bravely taking our case, and in our loss and dismissal more has come than winning the largest jury settlement could have made the changes that happened today. I said at the time of lisa’s death with one stroke of a pen, the coroner in FL took away our 18yrs by listing lisa as single, never married, but today with a stroke of the pen, the President recognized – we were a couple deserving of all the same rights of straight Americans.
So thank you Mr. President, I would gladly take your call anyday.
I know that Lambda Legal has started a fundraising campaign over today’s historic events. Please if you have any money to give to non profits – Lambda legal is the one.
the TIME has come
Change.org posted this today – demanding JMH give our family a formal apology – there is an attached petition it will take only a few minutes of your time – are you willing to help?
Jackson Memorial Hospital, in sunny Miami, FL, earned a big black mark on its otherwise stellar hospital report card in 2007, when its staff told Langbehn that she was in an “anti-city in an anti-gay state” before shutting her out of her dying partner’s hospital room. The grueling legal battle that ensued proved highly unsatisfactory — the hospital was let off the hook and Langbehn was left high and dry. Although the nursing staff issued an informal apology last November, Langbehn acknowledged that an apology from the hospital sure would be nice.
Although JMH has yet to issue an apology, the hospital has issued a press release detailing the work it has been doing with “a coalition of LGBT organizations and individual community activists” to make the hospital policies “more inclusive of the LGBT community.”
Along those lines, there is a new definition of “family” at JMH. It “include[s] any person(s) who plays a significant role in an individual’s socio-emotional life. This may include a person(s) not legally related to the individual. Members of ‘family’ may include spouses, domestic partners, and both different-sex and same-sex significant others. (PDF)” Additionally, “Solely for purposes of visitation policy, the concept of parenthood is to be liberally construed without limitation as encompassing biological parents, legal parents, foster parents, same-sex parents, step-parents, those serving in loco parentis, and other persons operating in caretaker roles, consistent with applicable law.”
But note, the press release said “more inclusive” and not “totally inclusive.” Reread the last sentence in the new policy, and note a sticky little disclaimer thrown in, for no apparent reason. “Solely for purposes of visitation policy.” This means that in times of emergency, staff discretion remains the law of the land. Furthermore, there is no grievance policy currently in place for emergency situations, leaving same-sex couples with nowhere to turn for help.
some change has come
Hello everyone; I wanted to give everyone who supports our family a person email (if there is such a thing) about the progress made at Jackson Memorial Hospital so that no LGBT individual or family endure what our family did in February 2007. This mutual change to policies by the hospital and spearheaded by multiple organizations allows for patient visitation which re-defines how Jackson Memorial Healthy System treats same-sex couples in the future. I don’t want anyone who has supported us to feel defeated because the Lawsuit was dismissed because Florida as whole does not protect same sex couples from discrimination. It has been my intention since I filed my first complaint with JMH back in March 2007, that the hospital would realize they acted improperly, that Lisa was forced to die alone due to some staff’s personal judgement of our family. And ultimately to apologize for keeping the kids and I away from list for nearly 8 hours – and those being the last 8 hours she was alive.
I am humbled that by our children and myself standing up for our rights, our voices would lead to drastic changes at one of the largest Health Systems in Florida State. I want to personally thank the following individuals for either the support they provided at the time of Lisa’s death and those who have been there for our family for the pat 3+years. Forgive me for the following format but there are so many important individuals to thank – that this is the only way I can get it done in a timely manner. Also by doing a list, inevitably I will forget someone and it is not intentional in any way as well as this list is in no particular order or importance. As for the Langehn and Pond families - I hope you all know how much I have appreciated your help at the time of the crisis and the ongoing support as I fought for these changes to that no gay families during a medical crisis are treated as if they were strangers.
Beth Littrell, Lambda Legal – lead attorney, the absolute best attorney fight daily and making the case for Equality
Rick Hill, Lambda Legal – by far one of the most important individuals at Lambda who has walked my path before and helped me find my way back when I strayed
Kevin Cathcart, Ex. Director of Lambda Legal – who is at the helm of a ship that is charting the waters for change LGBT and person with HIV – and making sure the waters are safe and equal for all Americans
Don Hayden, Baker & McKenzie – co attorney (and the entire firm of Baker & McKenzie for representing our family pro-bono)
Mutiple staff from Lambda Legal through the past 3 years. Judi, Bev, Tiq
Cindi Creager & Adam Bass- GLAAD, Cindi was the first professional in the LGBT community to formally hear of our story and guided me and gave me a voice for change that I did not existed
Anna Schlecht- the first person who asked me to tell our story at Olympia Pride in June 2007
Rosie & Kelli O’Donnell – hearing of Lisa’s death and that we were on our way to a dream vacation on Rfamily, Rosie and Kelli sent flowers for Lisa’s memorial and offered for our family to return on any future cruise
Gregg Kamisky & Kelli O’Donnell (co-founders of Rfamily vacations) for providing us with 3 cruises and helping 2 close families to come with us on the cruises to keep me company
Jenn Chrisler – Family Equality Council – who was on the Rfamily Cruise in Feb 2007, found out about our family and then asked me to speak at their Annual Media Awards in October 2007.
Individuals from Florida Equality & Save Dade
Jim B. – GLMA (Gay/Lesbian Medical Association)
Myanna Carbin O’Brien – a friend of fate thanks to the Rfamily vacation forums.
Dr. Jan Ball – Lisa and my family doc who was there for me via phone during the crisis, providing her medical knowledge to help me understand what was happening that ight in February 3000 miles from home.
Group Health Cooperative (our family’s health plan) including their Chief Medical Officer, who heard me speak at GLMA and went about on their own accord to reviewed all thier policies (in October 2008) so what happened to our family in FL at JMH would not happen at any Group Health Facility
Kelly Ziegler and Bill Walker – for being with me at my first large speaking even in LA
LAORA – Life Alliance Organ Recovery Agency – for Yillian after-care coordinator and Maggie the RN who took such amazing care of Lisa until it was time for Lisa to donate her organs. And for LAORA to have an expansive definition of family and the only medical professionals at JMH during the 5 days Lisa was cared for – allowed me to sign as Lisa’s Spouse when it was time to donate her organs.
Jerry and the 3 unknown recipients of Lisa’s organs. I know Lisa’s heart is in the best of hand, thank you beyond words Jerry. And I continue to get updates on those who received Lisa’s kidneys and liver and am pleased they are all doing fine.
Thank you all, this email is not intended to be used in any media for comments or posting, I just wanted to be able to say thank you to all those who didn’t let Lisa’s death without dignity go unnoticed and fought along side me for changes at Jackson Memorial.
Peace
Janice
The press release about the changes to policies at Jackson Memorial can be found by many different organizations involved.
Fla. hospital that discriminated against lesbian family changes policy
Monday, April 12th, 2010
When Lisa Pond, 39, collapsed suddenly before she and her family embarked on a Rosie cruise, her partner Janice Langbehn was told by the Florida hospital that she wouldn’t be recognized or acknowledged as part of Pond’s family. She filed suit [1].
The case was dismissed by a federal court [2] last fall, but today Lambda Legal announced that the hospital had changed it’s policies. See Lambda Legal’s press release below.
(Miami, Fl.) Today, Lambda Legal, its coalition partners, and officials from Jackson Health System (JHS) released a statement announcing the hospital’s improved policies that are more responsive to the needs of the LGBT community but do not provide as much protection as may be needed in critical situations. Lambda Legal urges Jackson Memorial Hospital to enact a full grievance procedure and also to issue an apology to the Langbehn-Pond family.
“Lambda Legal applauds Jackson Memorial’s work with the coalition to review and expand policies and training materials to help address the needs of same-sex couples and their families, but we urge the hospital to finish the job,” said Beth Littrell, Senior Staff Attorney in Lambda Legal’s Southern Regional Office based in Atlanta, who was lead counsel on Langbehn v. Jackson Memorial. “The hospital should issue an official apology to the Langbehn-Pond family and JHS should have a grievance procedure in the case of visitation denial that can be acted on quickly in an emergency situation.”
“Jackson Memorial Hospital should have been able to provide immediate resources to Janice Langbehn when she wasn’t allowed to be with her partner Lisa hour after hour as she lay dying in the hospital. We don’t want the Langbehn-Pond nightmare to happen to another family,” Littrell added.
Last September, the Court rejected Lambda Legal’s lawsuit [3] filed against Jackson Memorial Hospital on behalf of Janice Langbehn, ruling that no law required the hospital to allow her and their three children to see her partner, Lisa Pond. Langbehn and the children were kept apart from Pond by hospital staff for eight hours as Pond slipped into a coma and died. Since then, Lambda Legal has been working with other LGBT organizations and hospital officials to address the policies that leave many same-sex couples and their families vulnerable during critical times.
After a year of reviewing JHS policies, the LGBT coalition recommended several policy changes that the hospital adopted. The hospital developed and implemented a non-discrimination policy that includes sexual orientation, gender identity and gender expression, a patient’s bill of rights that demonstrates the hospital’s commitment to providing quality care for LGBT patients, and a visitation policy that updates the definition of family to include same-sex partners and other people who may not be legally related to a patient. JHS does not have a complete grievance procedure to ensure compliance with the policy in cases of emergency.
Finding our Yellow (10.12.07) – lost but found
First let me say this post will say alot or refer to Rosie and her new book.. so if you are sick of me talking or typing about her.. close the browser don’t bother.
I find that I do some of my best thinking in the tub late at night, while reading. As our family sits in the hollywood roosevelt with the GQ 50yr party going on downstairs.. and promises of “stars” being down stairs, here I am alone with my thoughts and my book – my choice tonight – my second reading of celebrity detox by RO.
Not sure why I need to re read it I just read it yesterday but Katie always wanting to know.. I think she is so much like how RO must have been at 10, loosing a mother but also being told “you can do anything”. She’s ready to pack it in for brdway already at 10yrs old. you go girl I tell her you can do anything you want.
So I listen to the sounds now that i’m out of the tub, david, my scooter, my sweet little boy, snoring next to me – interestingly he only started snoring once lisa died, as if taking up that silence at night that she used to fill with her LOUD snoring.. so bad, that I’d end up the couch often just to hope for a few hours of sleep. Katie and Danielle, silently sleeping in the next bed. Katie crashed after coming in from Disney, David right behind, Danielle put on her ipod to listen to music like she does every night – the comforts of home.
So back to the post title. Katie asked reading over my shoulder on the plane down.. mom what does Rosie mean by “her Yellow” I explained or rather read what Rosie wrote about being her inner self, truth and beauty. Katie cocked her head as we were getting on Autopia tonight (many hours after this initial talk) and said I think our family is orange – out of the blue – orange. I said I like that sweetie. We can be orange – that can be our truth and beauty as a family – but I said as you grow and change you can find your own way and own color and she said I have one.. it’s silvery white.. but our family is orange. So sitting in the tub I replay the widsom of my 10yr old and think and we are a bright green.. the Green of Danielle’s “peace” shirt from Rosie.com. Yep we are green and orange – it’s all of us – michael, danielle, david and katie – me and lisa. So we have defined our yellow. Thank you Rosie.
Now as i post this and listen to my own ipod, my lisa playlist – is her, ours – it starts with pachabel’s cannon – the song that ushered us in to the tiny lodge at Pt. Defiance Park in Tacoma 16 years ago today as we were ready to say our vows. How Don McGill, the pastor from MCC who had us attend couples counseling, said over the months he had learned I was loud, plaid and blue, lisa was soft, pink and pastel. He was so right, may he rest in peace. Then “If” by Bread comes on – Lisa’s favorite – Marilyn sang it for us at our Holy Union 16yrs ago today after our vows to be there in sickness and in health. I can’t tell you how much lisa was there for me all the years since my MS diagnosis and how I feel like a failure for not being there to hold her hand when she died. it haunts me even tonight – and tomorrow I will have to tell a room full of people how I failed Lisa, how the”sytem” fails many families every day.
Oh that’s right this was suppose to be a “happy post” but finding your orange/green means truth and that is where I am right at this very moment minutes before midnight.
So thank you RO once again for sharing even just a little bit of yourself for others, unscripted and raw, very difficult I am sure. Thank you for talking to my 10yr old about losing your mom at 10 on the cruise this summer. She carries that with her, thank you for writing to me every so often to just say “hey you aren’t alone”. your fragmented emails, i keep to myself, they are my orange/green (i no longer will post them or give them away on my public blog) saved for me and at times for the kids when appropriate. Just when I seem to be losing my way.. there will be an email from you or my sister Marilyn or Uncle Kelly or even Gary – reminding me “i am not alone” though it feels like that so intensely one moment when I know lisa is gone and will never answer my call “hi sweetie”. I still keep her last voice mail from that fateful sunday on Rfamily right after boarding. She always no matter what said “hi sweetie”. So I save that voicemail and share it with no one. it would be the last time I would hear her voice.. after that just her signing “i love you” and “water” to me and the kids.
so the langbehn-pond’s will continue to find our orange/green. i read my speech and still start to choke up at point, that is so unintentional, it’s like back in high school debating .. your mind is going so fast and then you finally hear what you have said and you digest it. That is what happens at one part of my speech, it happened when I talked to john ireland on Rfamily for the Advocate article – i started crying once my brain caught to what I had just said 2 minutes before or so.. that lisa was gone. i won’t say more now, you can read the speech late tomorrow once I get back from the dinner, after i let the kids experience in a tiny way being “known”, we are not famous by any stretch, though Danielle said why not, we were in the magazine. I said honey, people are already on to bigger things, that is why I have to every so often step out of my comfort area of this blog and nameless people who drop in and say it out loud – we were treated like shit at Jackson Memorial. Others may want to forget that but I never will, it is carved in my soul, it is branded on my ankle with lisa’s colors in my tattoo. As our housecleaner said in an email so bravely months ago – she never met Lisa, she was hired after I fired merry maids for not getting along w/ the dogs and always locking them out – michelle said – you are like rosa parks. taking your place at the front of the bus. I think that is too bold to compare me to such a ground breaking woman – but then i think – that is all it takes, just standing up and coming forward – lisa and i lived in our catholic, middle class caccoon in a community that welcomed us.. and when asked at michaels first conference if we were”co parenting him” we said NO we are BOTH his moms. Fix your records.. our school district never made that mistake again – with our other 3 we were known. you know who said to fix the record – not me, Lisa – so instinctual – we are MOMS, united to raise 4 adopted special needs foster children. We were united in raising many foster children over 15yrs some for a few days, some for several months.. and 4 for a life time. So no, while i may have been the obvious gay in our community it was lisa with her looks, and silence when people would ask her what her “husband did for a living” so she could be a stay at home mom.. when she didn’t answer.. she was being like rosa parks, and stepping closer to the front. now i’ll will move forward for US and take that seat at the front of the bus. Not everyday, but when I can, I will sit in that seat and be proud of who were as MOMS, as a committed loving family and how I will never forget the lessons, lisa taught me – to move forward, slowly, steadily and even silently but be present so we can be counted. She wasn’t in her death, as I explained to Kelly – Florida listed on her death cert.. she was “single”.. the only other choices are married or divorced.. not even a box for “other” – would take that for now, no nothing to count our 18yrs together, it is gone with the swoop of a pen in all official government records that SHE counted, that WE counted.
So we all found some orange and green tonight at disney “where dreams do come true” – not really but for a moment as I rode two rides with the kids I never had b/c of fear and b/c lisa was always up for being thrown around and never got motion sick, my kids, our kids high fived me for making it through my first 2 rollercoasters. That is the beauty of a family, you can push your limits when you are safe and ready – and with our orange and green around us – we did tonight. Thank you uncle kelly – you helped us more than words can say for taking us to disney for those hours, because we could forget if we needed to and laugh that 7 years ago this weekend, Katie only 3 1/2 and michael 10 1/2 we took one of our first real vacations as a family. Pictures of the kids so little, I have only recently re discovered. The orange/green were always there but we didn’t know what to call it or how to quantify it.. but now we do.. and thanks to RO, my little 10yo who looks up to her, understands – so it is passed on. Amen
Peace
(not checked for spelling, grammar or dropped words, get over it – it’s late)
Happy Birthday little man – Michael is 20!
Today Michael, our first, is now 20 today. Amazing. The real story – Lisa and I were ready to adopt in 1996, so where are two lesbians to go – well my state agency in a book of “borderline adoptable” children called the WARE book – and we went through them and flipped through the pages and pages of kids ready to be adopted – and then her was a tiny, failure to thrive 5 year old – Michael. Beautiful, long eye lashes, adorable – but we were warned he had failed placements because of placements. We (lisa and I) felt invincible. It was all not easy and roses for sure raising a son with Mental Retardation, Fetal Alcohol Effect, developmental delays and extreme aggression. The prediction he would be institutionalized by age 10 for sure – well we made it much long than that. We never took a day of respite, we never went on a date – for fear he would hit whoever was watching him. That was our reality for over 10 years. He now lives in an adult tenant support home with 24/7 staff because he cannot live without constant supervision. But he will always be our little man – our first forever child. Happy Birthday Michael
what was lost, has been found
It’s like looking for Lisa jewelry I have given her over the years, her favorite being her string of pearls. Took forever to find them but when I did what a relief. There they were, in their velvet case, still shinny and white and beautiful and full of wonderful memories.
that is how i felt today sitting at starbucks – fb reconnected lisa and I very close friend Sarah when we were both young couples with young kids – etc. We were at each other commitment ceremony. we did everything w/ sarah and monte up until we moved to olympia and our family grew to 4 as did theirs and then the kids took over.
but i was blessed today, i have found sarah again – I thought she was lost forever. i hugged her and it was like no time had passed since we had seen each other – tear of joy today – thank you sarah I am blessed. I am so glad we have found each other.
peace
Flickr Photos
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